Yes, I have Bee Pollen capsules in my purse. I'm sure the majority of you are sitting there wondering why. Well...in my time in EJM, one thing I learned was that some former EJM members had lost quite a bit of weight taking Bee Pollen pills so, about two weeks or so before I left the ministry, I started taking them myself. Now, I'm not saying they work or not because after about a week I started forgetting to take them at every meal and now, they sit in my purse practically untouched. I actually thought that if I put them in my purse I wouldn't forget but...I do. But anyway, the reason I take the pills are for weight loss (even though I'd love to be healthier) and the main reason for that is because I don't really like what I see when I look in the mirror. BUT...is that really pleasing to the Lord?
Insecurities are something we ALL struggle with at some point and time of our life...whether we'll admit it or not...and so, this week for "What's In Your Purse" I've decided to share a part of my testimony that deals with my insecurities.
Around the time of my sixteenth birthday, I became aware of insecurities within myself. I started wearing makeup all the time to make myself look better and it was then that I began coloring my hair. I felt I wasn’t good enough and it wasn’t until insecurities with my first boyfriend began surfacing that I ever realized I had them and why and I walked in those insecurities (and didn’t realize how important it was to face them) until I was twenty-years-old.
I didn’t have my first boyfriend until I was eighteen-years-old and I met him at college. I graduated at seventeen and went straight to a non-denominational college in Birmingham, Alabama. My second year, I moved to the campus and became very close with a fellow PK and by Christmas break we were dating. I saw this Mennonite Pastor’s Son as a project to pull into the Pentecostal world and I can honestly say that “project” hurt more than it helped and it opened up the door to insecurities I had never faced with my grandparents before. Not only that but I had never been kissed and held that close to my heart, but it wasn’t long after our first date, he kissed me and over a nine-month relationship, I was introduced to the demon of lust. Emotional abuse was something I experienced in that relationship; we broke up three times and every time I took a verbal beating because he had so much pride he couldn’t see any of his wrong, and it was always my fault. I cowered down and took everything he hashed out because I was “in love” but in the end, it wasn’t God’s will. We broke up at the end of summer 2009, at the beginning of a weeklong Eddie James Ministries tour in my hometown. EJM was at my church for the week and God really used them to help me through that time (as a matter of fact, it was the week Eddie wrote “I Need You” and boy did I need Him in that time of my life). It wasn’t until that October that I realized; I had quit relying on God and started relying on myself. I was so deep in depression I could barely see the light outside the window; staying in my room 24/7, sleeping more than half the day, staying glued to the TV when I wasn’t asleep, having headaches six days out of the week and never wanting to minister (whether it be singing or dancing) but doing it anyway because I was drama team director. By November 2009 I was in so deep, I had lost control of my mind and it truly was the enemy’s playground. One Saturday night I had gone to bed but I couldn’t sleep because I could feel the literal battle of heaven and hell over my soul in those moments. I was being pulled back and forth it felt, as if God had the rope to one side of my mind and satan had the rope to the other side. I couldn’t stop squirming and all I kept thinking about suicide. I was miserable and I wanted my life to be over, so I thought. In my mind, I prayed to God and gave Him one chance to help me out of my mess. That next Sunday night, Holy Spirit showed out at my dad’s little country church and God set me free from depression and I haven't had a suicidal thought since.
Last year, I experienced the pain of a broken engagement. The emotional abuse of a broken engagement (and a breakup in general) is something that only God can heal because a girl just can’t do it on her own; and no man will ever be perfect enough to fix it. I was an insecure, broken, emotional, indecisive, mess of a twenty-one year old; who was leading worship every time the church/ministry center doors were open. My home church was genuinely concerned about me but the ministry center I was in leadership at was more concerned with my gifts than my emotional and spiritual stability. It took three months for me to allow God to begin breaking the walls and the healing process in my heart, mind and Spirit. Even after that the enemy began attacking and right when my parents were about to lose their minds with me when they began fasting and praying about the situation and a week later, I got a text from Eddie James, asking me if I was interested in being a part of EJM. In my time with EJM, I learned a lot about myself and God broke chains off of me that I thought I’d always be bound to (such as relational insecurities, hurt and bitterness toward my ex-fiance and fear of future relationships); and He broke some I didn’t even know were holding me down (such as anger and bitterness and attitudes towards leadership because of past leadership hurts) but in the end, it comes down to the fact that no matter what we do, and no matter where we’ve been, He loves us and He'll go to the greatest lengths He can to make sure we know that.
I encourage you to turn your insecurities over to Him...He'll love and affirm you like no one else will. And of course, I end out with a song and the perfect one is, "How He Loves" :)
This is a version I recorded a couple of years ago and, to put it on YouTube, I made a picture slideshow! My two favorites rolled in to one, I guess you can say! But anyway, enjoy!!! And put your security in Him because He is the only One who will never leave you or forsake you.
http://youtu.be/iDL3Q7E0e5s
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