My heart [updated].

So the last four blogs I posted were written by someone else. This one, is written by me from my heart.

I have been going through some things here recently within myself as well as my spiritual self and due to that, this has been my last week as Children's Pastor at The Sanctuary. I have stepped off in faith leaving The Sanctuary because really, I didn't want to. I just know, I have no idea what I am going to do (start working harder on my Mary Kay business I assume) but I know I am on the brink of something from God.

Two weeks ago, the Lord led me to fast. I am still awaiting the benefits of that fast but I have realized somethings have got to change (within me) and I have got to get rid of some junk before God will ever fulfill what He told me.

One of the things I have a problem with is my mouth (like you didn't already know that). I back talk my parents and can be very hateful at times. I don't mean to be hateful, it just comes out that way. And I am a big procrastinator. I get in trouble for those two things the most; my mouth and my procrastination skills. I need you guys to really pray for me. I have had "mouth" issues and "procrastination" issues since I became a teenager. I think that comes with the domain, seriously. But other than that, I am a perfectly good kid. I don't cause my parents problems and I love God more than anything.

Another thing I have a problem with is self-confidence. Now I will admit, I am vain. I get that from one of my mom's brothers; he is extremely vain! And he admits it which is the best part. All I have been through as a preacher's kid has really hurt not only my trust levels but my self-confidence. When things happen with church people or in the church, it really brings the self-confidence levels down. In one of the "divine pause" blogs, Denise Hildreth quotes T.D. Jakes (and adds her own words at the end) as once saying, "For people with exceptional callings, everything in their lives will be exceptional. Including their storms and their victories (and their divine pauses)."

Just to get off subject (of self-confidence) right here, I feel like I have truly been in a "pause" in my life. I just resigned from a totally cool job; being a Childrens Pastor. I got to teach the kids dramas and dances whenever I wanted. Total dream come true. Just teaching drama and dances but no, God was telling me I was through there and so, I listened and resigned but now, I have no where to go. I plan to keep attending dads church on Sunday nights with the occasional Sunday morning here and there just to help them out but the state I am in (spiritually) right now, I need to go somewhere that I can be fed (not saying I cannot be fed at Harmony...it's just complicated. It's a 'PK' thing that my PK friends should understand). When referring to "divine pauses", Denise Hildreth says, "Heaven ordains 'divine pauses' in our life to rid us of our arrogance. To remind us our real calling. Greatness is found in serving. Because heaven knows that pride destroys..." In this pause, I have been having to rejoice in victory with my friends (while awaiting my victory). Friends getting engaged, friends finding out they are pregnant, friends living their dreams. The "divine pause" blogs even talk about that but I am not going to continue quoting those blogs (even though I will continue talking about them because they have changed me). Where was I before I got off on "divine pause"?

Self-confidence! God allows us to go through storms (and/or pauses) to knock us down but it seems like some people never go through anything and they are so annoyingly (is that a word?) arrogant and prideful but one day, they will get the jack-down from God himself. Or even people who seem to go through stuff all the time and are still so arrogant. God is going to get across one day. Then you have people like me. We are going through something all the time and it seems like God is never going to let His glory shine through but oh how wrong we are when we think that! God and His amazing self are going to get all the glory one day! We may sit in a "pause" for years...just like Joseph...but when that pause is over and we are living our dreams, what a day that will be! Okay, that had NOTHING to do with the self-confidence but I really felt the Lord leading me to write that. I don't even know how to get back to self-confidence. Oh how I hate to be like my dad when he preaches and gets off the subject. LOL!

Self-confidence. Okay, let's try this again. I finally realized to make it where God wants me to make it, I need some self-confidence about myself. My friend Nicole (who I wrote about a few blogs back) needed some book help and I helped her out which meant reading her book. I read it in about two hours (grand total) and I was totally blown away. The last couple of chapters hit me upside the head with this whole self-confidence thing. As I was getting ready for bed that night, I was talking to God about how I wanted help with self-confidence in every area of my life. The way I present myself, when I talk to people, when I minister, EVERY area. I also wanted the confidence to be who I wanted to be; the person I know I am supposed to be. When I got all comfy in bed, I got a text message (from Tuesdai) that said, "You can't go wrong by being true to yourself. The real you, not the you everyone else wants you to be. That's where the good stuff begins." I was dumbfounded. I could not believe I had just recieved that text message. It kinda told me something, you know? It wasn't the first time Tuesdai had done that either. A couple of weeks ago I was going through some stuff and she sent me a text about Jesus being my Jehovah Nissi. I love when God does that. Just a while ago she sent me a text that told me to check out Proverbs 16:9 so I pulled out my Bible and checked it out. "In their hearts human beings plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps."

Is there anybody out there that gets tired of other men and women of God telling you how great the things are that God has for you and Him not actually showing/telling you?

I think once people get these sorts of things taken care of in their lives (mouth, procrasination, pride, ect.) God will begin showing you the stuff you need to know. Until then, enjoy the words God sends you in the other ways. Just remember, He is always there and He is always talking to you but sometimes, you don't hear Him.

I don't know...this is just some things that have been on my heart over the past couple of weeks. This blog may only help me but that's okay.

Much love and many blessings!!! Amber =)